Struggling….

I’m struggling to concentrate on anything and everything except you.   Is it a matter of the heart wanting what it can’t have?  Or is it that while I had you I took it, took you for granted so I didn’t miss you as I miss you now?  Or maybe it’s just the fact that back then even when you were physically away from me, we were together in every other sense of the word, at least until you started pulling away.  Even then your words and actions were still of us as a couple and the shared concerns of life and living were ours.  The commonplace communication of a life shared for 27 years and the trust and confidence of a life built together and looking to the future was the rock on which we went about our daily activities.

In those later months as I got used to you being away, I never said I missed you and I never felt the lack because you were always back by the time I would start to miss you.  10 days, 2 weeks, it was just long enough to enjoy some alone time but not long enough to make me, or you I thought, desperate.   In the early part of the new schedule you missed me a lot and were glad to come home, absence did make the heart grow fonder, and that made our relationship better, until you started to change again.  You started to complain of being tired, unable to sleep, the constant travelling, the long flights and being lonely even in the midst of the company you were in and you finally said you were depressed.   I don’t know, hindsight is always better than foresight, and when I think of it now, I’m trying to recall how we got through that year because I know I was in total despair because you were now saying you felt depressed when you came home!  What had changed?  The house had actually been fixed up, I’d finally gotten around to deciding where the pictures etc should go and  you and our son had hung everything & the place now looked  welcoming and lived in.  Was that it?  Were you feeling uneasy, uncomfortable, detached, unhappy and thought it had to do with how I hadn’t fixed up the place and then maybe when it was fixed up you still felt the same?   What happened and most of all why didn’t you, wouldn’t you let us do something about it? Why were you so reluctant to let us get help?  Because you thought us meant you.  Because even in spite of your declarations of love and our life together, you still think of yourself as a loner.  Even now you still refuse to face the fact that what you do affects me and affects your children and the rest of your family.  No one is an island.  You’ve been discontented for a long time and you’ve blamed everything external and eliminated one by one till it has now come down to me.  Where once I embodied for you the song, “you’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration”, I am now identified as the source of your anger and frustration.  I haven’t changed from when you were singing my praises 2years ago, telling me I was the best woman in the world, nobody could love you like I did and there was no one else you wanted or wanted to be with.

I guess that changed.  So many things.  So much hurt.  So much sadness.  So much pain.  And so unnecessary.  I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m disappointed, I’m hurt that instead of dealing with the actual source of your anger, instead of working on how we could make things better, instead of being willing to talk to be honestly, you walked away into someone else’s arms.  I’m even more hurt and upset that to justify your actions to yourself, you’ve made our relationship and me into an ugly thing.  I’ve no illusions about the things that were wrong or missing in our relationship and I had settled for a lot of things, accepting what you were prepared to do and who you were prepared to be and rejoicing in the small steps and positive changes that came along the way.  PS4ev3r you said. You lied.

And now I sit here, remembering the feel of your arms wrapping tightly around me, the security and warmth, the protection and care I felt as you held me close.  And all I can do now on this cold, windy night is remember and hope to God things will change for the better.  I know I didn’t help, not so much in the things I did as in the things I didn’t do but I realised that long enough in advance to say that and to say I wanted to do things differently but you kept putting me off.  Started saying you were unhappy but not being willing to do anything about it or honestly say what was making you unhappy.  If you even knew.   All the while you were doing what you promised me you said you wouldn’t,  keeping someone else or the idea of someone else in your mind while you were with me.

Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with me, that women, but it’s girls really isn’t it, but still that they can know me yet end up sleeping with you.   But then I remind myself that it’s about theirs and your lack of morals, restraint and respect.  May God have mercy on you.