Speaking My Pain

I’ve decided to use this outlet to do what I can’t do in my life right now which is speak to my husband, speak about the pain of the current situation and just offload the emotions that are tearing at my insides so I don’t succumb to the pain and lie down and die.  Others have been through worse and by the grace of God I will survive!!  I will triumph, I will thrive!!

If I can help someone else in the process that will be great.  So if you’re ready to take this painful journey with me then I’m grateful to have your company and your prayers.

My help is in the Lord

I’m crying now because it hurts so much but I’m crying on Jesus shoulder, surrounded by songs of praise that assure me my heavenly Father has me in the palm of His hands.  I am comforted to know that whatever plans you have, that God’s plan is to give me a hope and a future, that He plans to use even the bad things and people for my good.

So I surrender to you Lord.

Thankful heart

I am full of so many warring emotions that I prefer not to think sometimes.  The only way I can do that is to zone out watching tv which is neither productive nor healthy.  I keep trying to figure out what to do, what not to do , what to say, what not to say, second guessing this whole move and what the next step should be.  I keep running our conversations through my mind, and all the painful memories of the past keep replaying in my head and I’m just tired.  I’m tired of trying to get through to you, of trying to get you to see and understand my pain and my need for an antidote to all the poison released in the last three years.  Tired of trying to demand, command, elicit, direct, the affection and attention and actions that I would desire.

I’m going to try being thankful instead.  Thankful that, for whatever reason you have worked out in your mind, you’re back by the grace of God  Thankful that when I  said I was done, after our blow up in your first week back, you’ve stated that that was not what you wanedt.  Thankful that even though you don’t seem to be able to think of me and  spontaneously do something for my good, benefit or pleasure, you do something once it’s requested or I indicate that I would appreciate it.  So even though you still get up and get your cereal without leaving out a bowl, he milk or even some cereal for me, you now religiously make me a cup of tea every morning.  So no matter how late I am and rushing out, I’ve got a cup of tea to go with.  that’s a lot on these cold morning and  a couple mornings you even got up and made the tea even when you werent going out and didn’t need to get up so early!   At the same time it’s just so puzzling, frustrating and disheartening that you can’t think of driving me to work when you’re not going in and it’s raining and I’ve been fighting a sinus infection for months!

But I’m going to practice being thankful. I’m going to be thankful for the flowers that you sent for Valentine’s Day instead of continuing to be angry and disappointed that you didn’t organise your schedule so that you weren’t now away on the first Valentine’s since we’re supposed to be back together. I’m going to be thankful that there are some red roses in the bouquet instead of noting the fact that it’s not the romantic dozen red roses.  I’m thankful for the card saying you were thinking of me, us and our marriage although it’s not the declaration of undying love that I’d like to have.

I’m thankful for this place we’re in even though I it’s not where I hoped we’d be and I’m thankful for the work God is doing in you that makes you keep going inspite of your confusion, depression, etc

I thank you Lord for your love , your mercy, your grace and most of all your patience as you work on me, reminding me that the battle is not mine but yours everytime I try to do things in my own strength and way.  I surrender myself, my husband, my marriage, my family to you and pray you would have your way in us.  Glorify your name Oh Lord.

I just don’t know…

Here I am again!  Well actually, here I am  again finally! Unable to speak with you so pouring my heart out here on paper instead. I have resisted writing even though I needed to so many times and maybe it would have saved some of the arguments and heartache if I’d just kept some stuff between us here.

i really thought, hoped that this was it,  that we were going to get our marriage back on track. I knew it was not going to be easy but I thought we’d been honest with each other about where we were and what we were feeling and thinking. But once again it seemed I mistook passion for love but you kept saying you love me! I didn’t ask you to say it and I asked you a couple times what you meant by it but you never answered and you stilll haven’t have you. I just don’t know what you’re thinking and how you think this is supposed to work.

I thought, hoped, tried not to dream but maybe that’s were I was wrong because both biblical and human wisdom say your life is what yôu visualize. You didn’t declare what a mistake you’d made and how you loved me and only me and that you were going to spend the rest of your life making it up to me but that’s what I hoped deep down I was getting. You didn’t declare any of that then, but the words you spoke about wanting to be here for me, and did you say take care of me or did I extend your words,  and the decision to come back home as a husband was a 180 degree turn from the person who left declaring this marriage dead and saying that he didn’t love me anymore. Oh it cuts my heart even now to think of you saying those words. To hear you repeat them more forcefuly over the days and months that followed once you got them out that first time felt like  nails in the coffin of our love and blows to my heart and body.  So I put aside my fantasy and accepted that this was a huge and momentous step and a miracle in fact that you who had declared rhat you would never live with me even if economics demanded it was now turning around and saying, choosing to do so. Its really a miracle indeed because I think you went as far as saying you’d rather sleep on the street! I don’t know if you remember and maybe you don’t want to remember how terribly you behaved and how awful you were to me but without facing that,  my dream of a  huband determined to make up for all the hurt and pain of the last three years, not to mention the last 28, will remain just that, a dream.

Its been two months and what, ten days since you’ve been back officially and nothing’s been like I hoped or envisioned. I thought we’d build on the attraction that we still had for each other, that the caring would be added to the sex and we’d spend time getting to know each other again.  I thought my every wish was going to be your command. I was going to be your priority and you were going to take care of me, cherish me the way I’d always wanted to be cherished. But that’s not how it’s been. Instead from day one it’s been a strain and a struggle. It’s like living with someone who’s been forced to live with you who doesn’t really want to be there. And the worse part is nothing I say seems to bring any understanding. No amount of crying, of exposing my hurt, my pain, my need,  of trying to articulate in a nonjudgemental way, non threatening way the actions I need to see and the affection, attention and assurance that is going to get us past pain and distrust has made a difference. You have held to your decision in your head that you’re going to do things your way and anything I say is backing you into  a corner, trying to control you and driving you to anger and worse!

I just don’t know! I don’t know what you thought,, what you envisioned in your mind? I kept saying we can’t just continue with the old ways and the old patterns and we had to work out new way of relating and doing things but it’s been the same old and it’s not been good.  And on top of it all we haven’t made love since that first night when you officially came back! It took you at least two weeks to pack out your things in the room and I made it a point to ask you if you’d prefer to stay in separate rooms for awhile till you were more comfortable but you said no, you wanted to be in the room. I don’t even think you’ve referred to it as our room.  You’ve only been to two counseling sessions for yourself and you refuse to look at or discuss any relationship advice that might be helpful for us and I just don’t know what you think. That’s not quite true. It seems I should be grateful you’re back and as long as I do things your way and leave you in peace to do what you want when you want, how you want, even things supposedly for me, then we’ll be fine. But that’s the old pattern and it didn’t work then and it’s not working now and you’re not happy but still not willing to try anything else. I try to remind myself that you have a lot of issues to deal with but the problem is we’re back to you making me the problem instead of recognising there is a bigger problem here.  I thought we, you were further along than this.  It’s not all been bad and the times I’ve been ill , you are able to exhibit more care and concern but ther’s just no spontaneous gesture of affection or seeing and meeting of a need I might have. I just do’t know what I love you means to you and why it goes away when we’re together. Why do we kiss goodbye on the train but not leaving the house, nor coming home nor going to bed not to mention any other time.  I don’t feel attractive, desirable, loved or valued by you. That makes me sad and angry and I just don’t know why you’re operating like this.

I keep saying this is not what I signed up for, but when I said better or worse I did, didn’t I. Lord you’ve brought us back together almost exactly three years to the day the separation and pain began.  it’s been amazing to see the steps along theway and to note the markers so please give me the grace and the strength, the wisdom and discernment and the patience and courage to wait on you to work on us, in us and through us to your glory and honour.

Lost my cool

 

I still can’t talk to you.  You’re here, you said to be with me, to be there for me and to work on our marriage.   You said and have been saying I love you for the past few months! A stark and total contrast from two, three years before when you said the opposite.  It’s hard to believe that you, who said you’d never live with me again,  have decided to come back to live with me as husband and wife! It was almot unbelievable and I had so many doubts and fears even as I made it clear to you where i was and what I was expecting. I told you in those August days following your proclamation that I was going to accept nothing less than being first!  I told you that I wasn’t going to be accepting the treatment I was getting before, even in what was supposed to be the good part of our marriage, where everything was about what you wanted.  I wanted and still want to be cherished, something I was afraid to name in those early days in our marriage counselling and something which was sorely lacking from day one of our marriage. But i’d gone ahead and married you inspite of my doubts and in spite of the cracks that had begun to show themselves in you and in our relationship.  I went ahead and married you because we’d gone too far to turn back and there were mouths on the way but most of all I believed that you loved me, needed me.

I’ve put off writing since you came, dealing with the daily struggle of balancing unmet expectations with realistic goals and thanksgiving for what is.  For the miracle of you actually being here, not just for a week or two but permanently or so I thought; committed to being my lover, my friend, my protector, my husband.   The anticipation I had as the days drew nearer to the day you actually came in, mingled with fear that I was setting myself up for more hurt, that you were just using me to get out of a place you proclaimed you hated, and get away from people who you hated working with.  But I decided to exercise my faith. To trust God who’d brought us to this place, to take us the rest of the way.

But from day one, it’s been strange and been a struggle.

Mixed Emotions

The nearer it gets to your physically coming home , the more fearful and unsure I become and the more I question whether this is genuine, whethe this is just your get out of Singapore card and whether I’m just setting myself úp to getting hurt again.

What next?

Your’re coming in today and while we’ve gone the usual ups and downs in our interactions over the phone, skype, etc., you have been trying.  Praise God I have to say, you’ve tried to take on board things I mention that cause me to question or have doubts about your feelings and the intention of coming back.

I guess its only natural and the ghost of that affair, which you refuse to call such because it wasn’t physical, continues to haunt us.  I had claimed and counted on God breaking that soul tie that was created and was okay with our interactions while I thought that was so.  The fact that you’ve been in communication more than just a passing comment on facebook has left me in a place of turmoil really and indecision.  Is this a battle to be fought or a battle already won?

As you come with great anticipation having wrangled time to come and managed flights so you could celebrate my birthday with me, the first in three years and a great contrast from then, should I be throwing cold water on our time together?  There’s such a struggle going on in me to determine whether I’m just expecting too much and not letting God to the work He’s doing in His time or whether I’m acting as I’ve always done and putting my needs aside for the sake of peace.

Lord I trust you, and I will trust you with this marriage, this man and this moment.  I don’t understand everything that has happened and why butI thank you for the way you’re making and  I trust you to make the wromg things right, the crooked paths straight and everything work out for the good of this family.  I thank you that you love me and I can be confident in that love and trust you with my heart.  Help me to listen, to hear and to obey your directions. Thank you for what you’ve done, what you’re doing and what you’re going to do. Hallelujah! Amen.! I love you Lord!

It’s actually happening!?

So much has happened over the last few months and I’ve been on that roller coaster of emotions that has had me loving you and hoping for the best and other times wishing you gone and planning how to cut off all communication.  There’s been so many times I regretted playing it cool and saying you can stay at the house on your visits here as the pain of you in another room, excluding me and talking to God he knows who, was sometimes too much. But look at us now…. you’re actually talking about feeling the need to be with me in the aftermath of my brother’s death.  The language does not bring joy to my heart to be honest but I have to give thanks for the change in you , your position and your feelings towards me.

I give God thanks for you being there the month before for the surgery and insisting on staying for the surgery despite my telling you to go after the argument we had two days after having a good anniversary weekend together.  I had seriously contemplated not going through with it because I couldn’t feel that there was going to be the sort of care extended to me that was going to aid in my mental, emotional and ultimately physical well being.  I just felt so cut up and hurt because it was like I kept giving myself, offering an open door and basically just ending up being used. Your proclamation in the middle of my simply trying to reason with you about our basic communication problem that life with me had always been a problem was just like the last straw for me.  This sexual intimacy and the action of being here for the surgery didn’t make sense without the emotional care and concern and a basic respect for my feelings, opinions, needs and wants.  Everything you were doing seemed to be out of a sense of obligation and a need to feel better about yourself.  I didn’t feel cared and don’t even mention loved!  And I just had had enough. But you declared you weren’t going anywhere and I decided I wasn’t going to let my emotions dictate over common sense and went ahead with the operation.

And there you were to hold me as I screamed and screamed and screamed as you told our son and me the terrible news, when you could keep it from me no longer, that my brother was dead!!! I don’t know, its hard to think that God had you here for this purpose, that He knew this was going to happen, that He didn’t stop him from dying, that it is out of this tragedy and pain that you are now in a place where you’re feeling you need to be here with and for me.  I’m grateful for your arms around me all that week, for rearranging your schedule so you were able to stay longer, for the nights you held me as I cried and cried and for the care you took of me post surgery and in the midst of our pain.  And I have to acknowledge it was our pain because you had your own relationship with my brother and had to deal with the fact that you had broken that and now there was no way of saying you were sorry.

The days just continued to see open doors as we discussed your role in the funeral and  why my family even wanted you to participate and the decision was left to you as to whether you were coming to the funeral as another well wisher or coming to stay with the family and operate as a brother -in -law and son-in law giving support. you chose the latter and that helped to ease our pain and sorrow even while it had it’s own attendant sorrow.  I really appreciated your support and your desire to ease my hurt in any way you could, your obvious discomfort with seeing me , seeing us hurting so much.  And my feelings for  you deepened as you gave of yourself.  It was not perfect, our communication continued to be faulty and our  baggage jumped out occaisianally but it was like we had never separated and almost too good to be true.  And then the dagger came! I still have that open wound as I remember seeing that girl’s name in your phone for a call the very Monday before you came to us!  And when I queried it asking you how your expressed desire not to hurt me or see me hurt tallied with this and your defense that all you ever really were was just good friends just dug that knife deeper.  I don’t know how we keep coming past these actions and events and I can say it is only by the grace of God.  I clammed up after that and it was easy to do with the crowd and the funeral.  You kept asking if I was ok and put my attitude and responses down to the death and funeral.

 

Happy Anniversary…..

1987-2014 Twenty -Seven Years…

At midnight tonight that’s how long we’ve been married!!!   It’s been a long hard road with the last three being the worst!   One month before our 24th anniversay you decided you wanted to take a break and things just spiralled out of control since that.  You decided our marriage was over, moved out of our room and eventually left me behind and moved to another country chasing a fantasy.   Leaving me heartbroken in a country far from friends and family and anything familiar.  Tears fill my eyes now as I think about those early days of that terrible time and this locust eaten period of our life.  They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I can only pray that I am indeed stronger although sometimes I feel so bone weary, so emotionally drained that I just want to lie down in a ball and let the world pass by.  There are times when I wish I could just resign from life, just do nothing. I get so tired of being strong and carrying on.  I just want to lie in bed and cry or better yet have someone take care of me.  But I don’t let those thoughts stay, I know that’s the devil trying to kill me, kill my faith, my future and my family.  But Hallelujah, thank you for Jesus.  Hallelujah praise the Lord.  Thank you Almighty Omnipotent God for where you have us now and I can give you praise for where you’re going to take us.  This marriage was meant to glorify your name and I commit us,  it and our family into your hands.  You’re an awesome, wonderworking, miracle working God!!!

Look at us now, a couple that’s seemingly separated but we had dinner on our anniversary last year and we’re going to do the same and more this year.  Yes you’re still acting funny.  Last month brought some barriers down but obviously you’ve put them up again in the time you’ve been away.  After our weekend together and the rest of the time in May, you’ve chosen to still stay in a separate room.  I respect your need to do that.  But what’s the point of your closing the door?  You weren’t locking it last time you were here?   But it’s the little things that show and make the difference.  You brought me stuff from the conference.  You brought a white wine this time, something I’d mentioned to you would be nice to do as you buy yourself a bottle of red everytime you come.   I pray that you will stop fighting God and that you will become fully surrendered to Him and His will as  you’ve never been.  I pray you’ll stop listening to the lie that says it’s over.  That there’s too many things that have been done, too much hurt, too much distance, too many negative feelings.  But the truth is there are positive feelings and there could be more as well if you were willing to allow the flicker to be fanned into a flame.  I pray that you will not only say you’re sorry and that you know the things you’ve done wrong, but that you will have the desire to make things right.  That you will have the desire to walk in godly sorrow which leads to repentance.  That you will return to the covenant keeping, reconciling and restorative God that we serve and surrender yourself, our marriage and our family to Him.

The big change is your coming over for the surgery where last year I was forced to depend on our son to be with me and take care of me after the surgery and on strangers to get me to and from the hospital!  That was such a lonely, humiliating, hurtful time!!  Now a year later redoing the same surgery and you’ve come to be with me.  God knows why He works things the way He does.  Would you have come if our son was still here?  You’re even upset because they reschedule the surgery and now it seems you won’t be able to look after me for the week I estimated.  Such a far cry from last year when you stayed ,  calling and I couldn’t bear to answwer or speak to you. I was in such emotional pain at the so obvious signs of my abandonement and your withdrawal of your protection and care.

But glory be to God!!!  He’s the mountain mover and He will move the mountains of depression, rage, anger, self destruction, discontent and selfishness.  I look forward to our anniversay night out and I place the rest of the time you’ll be here and the surgery in God’s hands.  Praying for His miraculous healing on all counts.

The Unknown

So I’m up after 1 pm, not an unusual thing for me these days but I’m not up in the usual way, watching tv or surfing the net, but instead trying to decide what to pack both physically and emotionally.   I am believing God for the miracle of a complete transformation of this marriage everyday and at the same time living with the reality that you seem determined to keep distance between us.  Sometimes I think you don’t care and other times I realise that it is because you care so much that you feel it bettter to stay away.  I’m trying not to let myself be influenced by your attitude and just to walk in peace and joy.- the joy of the Lord is my strength.

I don’t know if you’re really thinking about me and how I’m feeling.  It seems that you’ve managed to shut down, shut off, shut out the 20 plus years we spent together before you started us on this road.  And it is us and more than us.  The ripple effects go even further into our extended families.  “If they can’t make it then…..!”f  Your father is turning in his grave, your mother is wringing her hands and your siblings have lost someone ; My siblings have lost their big brother and my parents their son, our children have lost their gude in life and our grandchildren will spend their lives going to grandma’s house then to grandpa’s. Left with a legacy of cheating and lack of commitment and the integrity to keep a promise and outright disobedience to God’s word, what will become of them?!!  How will this affect their relationships even as it affects their parent’s, our sons.  I don’t believe this is the family you want to have nor the legacy you wish to leave behind.

So I’m trusting God, even as I sit here trying to pack for a weekend away with you for which I’ve only just been given the barest of information.  Again you ended up coming back here after we exchanged a set of emails that made me think there was no way you could think of coming here to stay and, frankly, that I was tired off your disrespect and your disregard for my feelings and would not be putting up with it any longer.  I prayed and thought and fought with myself about just telling you where to get off  or just sending a firm and calm statement on my position with regard to our marriage.  But God…. Deep down  I know He has a plan to to turn us and this marriage into what we’d dedicated it to be….something that glorifies .so when you said you were coming for two weeks and you want us to talk  I just kept quiet and prayed more intensely. I thank God for all the prayers for wisdom and for ears to hear his instuctions and even more to follow them.  You haven’t said much for the week so that hasn’t helped.  The atmosphere is still strained with you walking around with worry beads and playing that music which is designed to keep you peaceful I suppose.I feel sorry you don’t realise true peace can only exist when we’re in God’s will and in the presence of justice.

I was hoping…, expecting…., that since you were planning this weekend away that the chains had been broken and you’d be speaking to me and treating me in the manner I deserve. and the one time we had anything approacing a conversation, it was you expre

So I go with you trusting God to protect, keep and guide.  Praying for wisdom and direction and most of all divine intervention