It’s amazing how much this hurts!! I never thought that when this moment came it would hurt so much! And maybe that’s a telling word, when. Did I always think that this day would come, was it always the fear at the back of my mind, did I have such little faith, did I bring this situation into existence??? Lord, did I create my own hell?!!
What did I do to warrant this utter rejection? I don’t know which is worse, you destroying our marriage for the reasons you state – you’re tired of quarrelling and of being angry with me and you’d rather be alone and unhappy than living with me and miserable, or you destroying our marriage and our lives with someone else. Neither option is preferable but the first without the second means that you can find nothing redeeming in our life together and that you have no love of any type left for me, nor respect for the years we’ve shared and the struggles we’ve been through. That’s utterly devastating! To think I didn’t see that coming. No matter how you complained of being depressed and recently , unhappy, I never thought, dreamt you would just throw us, throw me away like this. Frighteningly it also means that you have no respect for your relationship with God and what that demands, no intention of listening to His words! If you’re not going to be obedient to God then you are in rebellion and sin and liable to be turned over to a reprobate mind. What are you doing to yourself??!! What are you doing to us and to me, to our family??!!!
So what about me makes you so miserable, the grocery shopping not done when you want it done, me constantly trying to take your emotional temperature because you’re not giving me anything, me trying to get you to go out with me, to have fun, me trying to get you to share with me when things aren’t going well with you? Ohhh, the things you’ve complained about over the years- me second guessing you, me not being organized, me not using my time wisely, me going back to school, keeping the house clean but are these things the sum total of my meaning to you?? Not the fact that I’m at your side everything you do, that I’m always there for you, that I’m offering you comfort, affection. The truth is aart from the school thing, none of these are problems of our recent past so what’s the trigger now?? I’ve tried to be there for you sexually, spiritually, mentally and emotionally but I can’t get into the areas you shut me out of, I only try patiently, persistently knocking, listening, being receptive and as supportive as possible so how can you choose now to do this. Why would you choose now when we are so much different from back then and things are different, at least they were until you allowed your depression to take over. What was I supposed to do, what was I supposed to do?? I’m not a doctor, I just tried to be patient, to try to calm you, to talk you out of it, to pamper you and cater to you as much as I could but none of that has been enough. You’ve decided to throw all that sacrifice back in my face and to treat me like the bane of your life instead of the person that has kept you from being suicidal or giving up on life over all these years. I’m tired too and I just want you to hold me and love me and find happiness in my arms…..
Letters to My Husband 