And the Floodgates opened!

You didn’t miss me from the bed and come looking for me as you normally would even after a quarrel.  So I sucked up my tears and went into the room but I looked at your body lying there on the bed, back turned to my side and I couldn’t get on the bed.  I couldn’t face the thought of sleeping beside you as anything except your wife!   Two months ago we were lying naked together in that bed where of course we’d ended up after your trip away.  I met you at the door, terry bathrobe hanging open for you to see the see through black panties and brassiere you’d bought me.  I remember you did seem a little odd when you came in, no smile greeted me at the door not even in your eyes but I overlooked it, put it down to tiredness and we went upstairs.  I remember asking you about the fact that you now close your eyes when you never use to and you just smiled and opened them at looked at me and I felt better.  We’ve had better, happier, more fun filled, passionate and exciting sex than that morning but it was okay and we held each other till we fell asleep.   And now I’m supposed to lie here, beside you but not beside you?  I’m supposed to put away the last twenty four, twenty seven counting the years before we got married, and act as if you mean nothing to me?  Even worse I’m supposed to lie here and accept that I mean nothing to you?!!

This bed’s seen it’s fair share of quarrel including the evening of that last morning when you said how unhappy you were and I just felt so low, that you could make love to me in the morning then tell me you aren’t happy with our marriage in the evening?!! Was the sex so terrible the morning that  you still felt so bad in the evening?  I didn’t say that the many times when you just took your own pleasure and left me hanging dry!!.  So anyway I talked as usual, you listened and didn’t say anything else.  You couldn’t explain, or define your unhappiness nor say what would make you happy- you just knew you were unhappy!!  What was I supposed to do with that, with you?

So fast forward and we’re back in the same room together, nobody else knows what’s going on,  as far as they know we’re together.  Is this what together looks like?  I stand over you watching you sleep and praying for your deliverance and God’s intervention and I touch the hair you’re growing now, lightly so you wouldn’t wake up.  But I stayed too long and you did wake up and I moved to my bedside and just sank to the floor  put my head on my bent knees trying to stem the tears that threatened to overwhelm me.  And you asked what’s the matter, what’s the matter??!!   This situation doesn’t bother you, doesn’t hurt you?  You’re just frustrated you say, but me I want my husband, I want to lie down and be held by my husband even if we quarrel afterwards,  I want this nightmare to be over and the pain to stop and I can’t help but cry and you come around the bed,  pulled me up into your arms, turned down the sheet, put me in the bed and held me and the floodgates opened.  I bawled.  Not like a baby, not like a child that’s lost it’s favourite toy but like an animal in pain.  I cried until my eyes felt like they were being wrung dry, my nose too blocked to breathe and my mouth permanently set in a silent scream. I asked you why and got no reply.  I asked you how you could make love to me then leave me two days later, no answer and through it all, all I could do was cry.  Cry because you held me so gently and tenderly but didn’t want to hold me forever; cry because I could feel you stirring beneath my fingers yet rejecting me , cry because you could give no more reason for this pain and torment other than that you were tired.  Tired!!   I’m in pain and we’re destroyed because you’re tired and I can only bawl my heart out.