Spineless jelly

I feel like such a spineless jelly!!

I’m letting this affect me so much that it’s affected my performance on the course that I’m doing and this has only created a vicious cycle where I feel even worse because I’m not working well and then I’m staying up late trying to catch up and not sleeping nights then going to work all day and feeling really tired and then not being able to concentrate on coursework because my brain can’t focus because I’m too tired.  It’s just a vicious cycle but the only one who can get me off is me!!!

I’ve accepted the silence from you and not answered, actually not even read your last email because you were continuing to say the same thing; stop hoping.   You have consistently and adamantly refused to listen to or read anything that anyone has to say about relationships, the course of them and acknowledge that a dry spell or dry spells do not mean the end of a relationship that has survived 25 actually 27 almost 28 years.  The fact is there was nothing wrong in our relationship that couldn’t be fixed if we were prepared to do the work.  The truth is we muddled through the bad times and never used the good time to discuss the things that were inherently wrong.  I think we each didn’t want to rock the boat when things were good or we each thought the other was now okay and we just needed to move on.  We were so wrong and that’s obvious now.  You refuse to look on what is driving your behaviour and the pattern of your cheating and the connection with the anger and disconnection which you have felt from childhood till now.  Instead you’ve decided that your cheating is not the problem but that you’ve felt “disconnected” for the last two years (I guess you’d be saying three now) which is something you never shared with me.  I know the very day things changed with us and you started looking at me through a stranger’s eyes comparing me to someone else and finding me wanting.  I saw and heard the progression of your trip into adultery and I tried to probe gently without accusing, to point out without pointing at and I asked directly when the crunch came but you refused to talk to me.  You refused to say the truth of what was in your mind and you ran, not even walked, away from us and into that.

But maybe I’m the one refusing to face up to the fact that your cheating and your refusal to work on the relationship means that you don’t and probably never did love me because you don’t know what it is to love.   I am angry, so angry that just as we were starting to get things right, you pulled back into yourself and when the incident with C got worse, instead of talking to me, you projected that anger on to me and our relationship.  I’m mad and sad that I didn’t know better how to deal with you in those early days when you started pulling away.  Why didn’t we all recognise what was happening?  It was obvious to all of us that you weren’t talking to family and friends as you used to but we just took it that you were being your usual moody self and I was just so impatient and so hurt and so mad that I didn’t deal with it well.  I couldn’t deal with it.  Didn’t have the strength, the resources, the distance that would allow me to see from the outside what needed to be seen.   I kept talking to others, complaining really but none of us saw this coming, none of us imagined that this is where things would end up!  And the truth is you refused to do anything.  You made up your mind you wanted out and you didn’t have the guts to tell me!  Instead you just kept putting me off when I asked about going to the marriage course or reading anything….why couldn’t you just have been honest?

I don’t deserve any of this and I am worth more than this.  I know God has plans for me and if they still include you then I guess He’ll have to work it out.  I keep saying it’s in your hands Lord and I keep taking it out.  I don’t know why I forced and made that call tonight and now I’m sitting here crying and feeling hopeless again when I should have gone to sleep to wake up and do my work.  I don’t know why I broke the silence.  Yes you broke it first but I’d responded to your email and why did you send that email anyway.  Why check in with me and tell me about what’s happening there?  What was the purpose of that?  You want to be apart from me then keep the distance and keep your silence.  It’s not like you’re really telling me anything that you’re feeling or anything that you’re planning to do.  I’m just struggling so much with the thought that Wednesday we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary and you’re going to be in Hawaii……    Perfect place for a second honeymoon….what are you going to be doing…… who are you going to be with…..oh my heart hurts…..but you’re wrong for doing this and I can only pray God will reach you somehow, somewhere. I shouldn’t have called….and I should have planned the conversation better…..and I should have just trusted God…..

I failed the test…be still…..don’t allow the storm on the outside to get on the inside …..

Lord forgive me. I surrender to you and I put my hand in your hand. Help me to keep my eyes lifted up to you so I can keep walking on the water towards you in spite of the wind and the waves. Thank you for your love Lord, thank you for the price you paid, thank you for your forgiveness and your grace.  Holy is the Lamb seated on the throne.  Holy and Righteous and Powerful and Mighty are you Lord God of my salvation.  You are mighty to save.  Mighty to save R, me, our marriage, the children, everyone and everything.  You are God.