Happy Birthday to me

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry but I suppose it was too much to expect not to have some tears.  I was fine until the family started calling to wish me happy birthday.  I’ve not heard from you and I waver between not wanting to and wondering how you could ignore this day.  I don’t think I could bear to hear happy birthday from you but at the same time the silence is deafening.   This is the first birthday in 27 years that you are not only not physically present with me but not present emotionally and spiritually and it hurts.  It hurts to think that last year this time I was commandeered to go for a day of spa treatment that you had booked and that you made the effort to get back from your trip abroad to pick me up.  I felt so pampered and so loved even though the evening was just spent quietly at home because you were tired.  We picked up Chinese and then we had the pleasure of seeing how soft my skin was after the treatment. And you choose not to remember that or to say that all that you did to and for me in the last year was just trying in spite of feeling disconnected?

All I can say is you did a good job.  A good job of hiding your true feelings or maybe you’re doing the job on yourself now by saying that you have no feelings and have felt disconnected from me for the past two years.   Two years!!  Two years is a long time for someone to pretend to be interested in someone and especially for someone like you who’s not good at pretending.   But you’re in a place I can’t reach and I can only pray that God will rescue you before it is too late.  I’m crying now for what was, and what could be but I’m going to place it all in God’s hand and be grateful for another year of life.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I know that God has a plan and a purpose for my life that will be carried out despite your rejection of His will, me and our marriage.

I miss your smile, your few playful moments that I use to find tiresome, your attempts at conversation which I found pitiful then because they were so far from the conversations I wanted us to have.  I miss sitting beside you watching comedians or Two &  A Half Men or whatever it is you were watching.  I miss kissing you, holding you and being held by you, seeing the warmth in your eyes as you gaze at me and most of all I miss being loved by you.  But I have to accept that our reality is different now.  You’ve chosen to walk away from me rather than towards me as you chosen to walk away from God rather than towards Him.  You have issues that rather than confronting and dealing with them, you’ve decided to anaesthetise with a new relationship, no rather a fantasy, a mirage.

I don’t know what  the future holds but I know who holds the future and I give my broken heart and spirit to Him for Him to bless the broken pieces and use me as He wills.  I know what God has done in the past, I know what He doing for me in the present, and what He promises for the future.    I pledge allegiance to the God of my salvation and I wait upon him.  I will always love you.   May God have mercy on your soul.

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About ibgg

At the moment, I'm a bundle of pain struggling to overcome the deep wounds inflicted by my husband of 24yrs who's decided to call it quits but by the grace of God I know I will be healed and I will survive. Hallelujah!
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