I’ve not felt like talking to you for a while or rather to be more accurate not felt like writing to you because I’ve been talking and talking in my head and it just seems so pointless that I can’t say what I feel for fear of your reaction. Really what more do I fear, you’ve already decided to paint me as your enemy and our life together as a hell you endured with me committing great sins against you so how much worse could it get really. To see you day after day, guarding yourself, locking away in the room away from everyone else, putting yourself in your own little prison, telling yourself that the only joy in your life is the little girl whose life you’re also destroying and disrespecting me and the pain you’re putting me through by still contacting her while you’re at home is just too hard to bear at times. But for the grace of God and the love of family and friends, I wouldn’t survive.
I think probably the worst part of it for me, is that you’re saying the right words: it’s over before it started, common sense prevailed, you’ve never had anything physical with her, you dealt with your infatuation and you’re able to deal with her on a work level and operate normally everyday and yet your actions shout LIE! LIE!! LIE!! You sit in our room on our bed, mooning over a girl you’ve known for a couple months and ignoring the family who you’ve barely taken the time to love and care for as we deserve to be cared for. Why don’t you just go??? It would save me the heartache and the headache of wondering what you’re up to alone in that room, of sleeping beside a husband who’s almost falling off the bed to ensure he doesn’t touch me, of wondering what you’re telling her about us and how you’re painting me, of seeing everyday the coldness in your eyes and of bearing the brunt of your anger as you try to justify yourself and your actions. What charade are you playing?? You who pride yourself on not playing games. What sort of twisted ride has the devil got you going on.
Yes I have to keep reminding myself that you are not in your right mind, but oh it’s hard to do that sometimes and those times I want to just hurt you as much as you’re hurting me. Then, I wish that God would just crush you till you see the nothing you are and you are brought to your knees repenting before God and begging for mercy as you see yourself for who and what you are and desperate as you realise what you’ve thrown away. But God reminds me of who you really are, not that hate filled creature, full of self loathing and anger, and deep darkness that has overwhelmed the human in him and left an empty shell of nothingness that Satan has presented the idea that it needs someone else to fill it. You’re not happy with yourself and instead of getting the help you need, you’ve allowed yourself to buy into the argument that you will be happier with someone else. So why are you still here? What is preventing you from going? You say money, that’s just an excuse.
You say you heard my request not to have any contact with her while you’re home, but you didn’t say you’d honor it, respect it or me and you certainly haven’t. The demon in you showed himself the other morning when you smashed your phone in the wall when I simply asked you why you went to the bathroom with your phone. Your excuse was flimsy to say the least. If you were trying not to make your alarm wake me (why now) then all you have to do is turn it off then go to the bathroom. You must think I’m an idiot and then you want to frighten me with your anger, well satan I rebuked you then and I rebuke you now in the name of Jesus. By the blood of the Lamb I’m protected and you cannot harm me, nor can you destroy me, nor destroy my faith in God. And the father of lies continues to make you a liar, as I saw the secret email and the messages sent back and forth between the two of you. You really don’t have any remorse or kindness or care in you, no respect for me at all. It is just heartbreaking.
But thank God my God is the God of the wounded heart. Lord, I call out to you, again and again, I call out to you again and again. You are my rock in times of trouble, you lift me up when I fall down. All though the storm your love is the anchor, my hope is in you alone. My life, my strength and my hope is in you alone Lord. In you alone.
Letters to My Husband 