I’m such an idiot!!!

I hoped or  knew deep down that a lot of the attitude and lack of friendliness and rebuffs when I tried to have a conversation  were because you were trying to harden your heart against me and deny any attraction you were feeling.  Tuesday night proved it when you gave in to my request/invitation to give us both a little TLC after both of us fighting colds and  you a fever and me trying to look after you as much as you would allow me.  The TLC was just to hold each other so we could get a good night’s sleep and give each other the healing that comes from touch.  We’re both starved for touch and as for sex I can’t believe we’ve gone so long or maybe I should just speak for myself.    I’ve been wondering how you’ve managed all this time when you were having sex with me right up to the time before you broke our vows and then you were itching for another woman or more soon after and you had those condoms!  I just keep trying to to believe that you’re not sneaking around behind my back and unless you’re having sex in the toilet at work or in your offices, there’s not much more time that you’re away from me or the house.  So for all appearances you’re in the same boat as I am except that I can’t entertain the thought of sex with someone else.  I don’t know if it’s men or it’s a certain personality, because there are some women who do the same, but I can’t imagine letting anyone else do to me what you’ve done over the years or doing to anyone else what I do to and for you much more allowing myself to be bent and twisted and contorted by someone else!   I don’t know how you can even think of placing yourself in someone else where other people have been before you!! You don’t even know what germs lurk there!!  But I really didn’t expect anything to happen based on how you’d been acting towards me and talking, or not talking, to me for the last nine months.

So you were to bring your covers and sleep on top of the covers and as you resisted my suggestion I jokingly asked if you were afraid I was going to jump you and you wouldn’t be able to resist and we both had a chuckle about it.  A little later you came back over fully clothed and said you would lie on the bed for a while.  So we lay there separated by two layers of bedding with you trying to hold me through all the bedclothes. Ridiculous people!  I felt the sexual tension rising between us and tried to ignore it until you started pulling me closer to you despite the sheets and as you clutched at my bottom, my desire was just as strong.  I spoke to break the tension, ” I think I made a mistake, I don’t think we can sleep”.  I really meant to say I think you should go back over to the room you were sleeping in but I didn’t and your response was to pull me onto you and even though we both fighting it, we also both were desperately seeking that connection and release.  I shared my fears and you allayed them – you wanted ME and you were not fantasising about any else and you would not be all full of regret in the morning and treat me like a pariah- and we made love.  I got you to slow down from your desperation and really see and be with me and for the first time in a long while we climaxed together!  Then we went to sleep or tried to,  holding each other but that wasn’t so easy and now I know it’s because you regretted making love to me almost as soon as you had.  I kept expecting you to get up but you stayed until morning, at least until the last hour before we needed to get up.

And although I’d had such little sleep I felt good.  The morning was fine and basically comfortable.  I kept it light, gave you a light touch and I felt light and just refreshed through the day and I know it was mostly the sexual release but it was also the fact that you finally showed what I’d felt deep down, that you could still be aroused by me even though you had denied it and had kept at arms length even the time when we were still sharing a bed.   I sorta hoped you’d call me in the day just to see how I was doing with the lack of sleep and I tried not to call you but finally gave in at the end of the day and just referred to you dinner with M and said you could wake me if I was sleeping when you came in.  Of course the latter was a bit silly as I worked late and just got in before you.  We had a little conversation but it was obvious you were being careful/reserved then I probably made the first mistake by sharing that whatever happened and whatever the negatives of our situation was that I felt good about our encounter the night before and had felt like a heaviness lifted and just light.  Then I made the second mistake of asking you how you felt.   That we didn’t share the same feeling was obvious by your lack of response except to say you were glad I felt good….I left it at that and didn’t pursue just kept the convo light thereafter, we had an awkward hug goodnight but still you reached in to hug and later I let you know I wasn’t feeling well before I went to bed.    You responded, with concern, that you would keep your door open so you could hear me if anything , but you didn’t offer to sleep in again.  I smiled and it was okay cause you watched out for me for the night, asking me how I was feeling when we both stumbled to the bathroom in the early morning then again when I was up for work this morning.   I kept it light, took your temperature gave you a kiss and left for work.  You were working from home and packing you said.  Then we had another blip I think when I called you to talk about dinner and you weren’t home.  When I got you the conversation started going wrong when I mentioned that you had not said you were going out.   You cancelled your counselling session saying you were tired ….  anyway I ended the call when I saw the direction I was going and that you were getting annoyed.   I came home earlier than I planned to and saw you had the table set and was just eating.  I don’t know if you were waiting on me because you knew I was working late but I sat anyway and was going to eat and was just chatting about the bus etc when you just shook your head and sighed and I realised that my conversation was not welcome… so I got up and came upstairs all upset but then I got up and exercised and showered and felt better.  I realised you were watching the TV and I was chattering on and interrupting and while you could have responded differently I accepted that I hadn’t approached things correctly.   I hadn’t even approached the way I’d planned really as I had wanted to propose we play a game.  Didn’t figure it would happen but thought I’d ask anyway.

So the evening went south with me just staying upstairs and away, although you did come up ostensibly to ask me to check on the boiler.   When you came up to pack I just kept calm and light even when you told me that you felt bad about Tuesday night.  I asked why, and you couldn’t answer, didn’t want to answer and as usual I went into 20 questions and saying too much but I realise now that it’s my way of dealing with painful or stressful situations.  I try to be calm and pragmatic and it doesn’t work because in the end all I’m doing is suppressing my feelings and later I feel everything double I think.  That’s what happened.  The more I thought about your saying you felt bad about us making love, the worse I felt, a sadness and a tiredness just came over me and I eventually just started crying.   I haven’t cried for awhile and I think everything was just pent up cause I didn’t realise I was going to cry this much.  I didn’t care if you heard me, and parts of me actually wanted you to hear, part to feel guilty and part to come and comfort me.    That was the worst mistake of the night.  You felt guilty alright but not the way I wanted, it was more regret about the night again and when you asked me what I was crying for and I said because you made it ugly you just got upset, angry and walked away and that just made me cry more!!!  Then I finally started writing.  Right now I just feel spent and tired and I wish I could just get up and walk and keep walking.  And to make matters worse I just felt in my spirit that you told that girl our business and when I asked you if you were talking to her about us or your feelings or anything you went ballistic!!  This was not the person that was holding me in desperation two nights ago molding me tightly to his body.You became someone/thing else  flaring your nose, shouting at me,  grabbing me and pushing me out of the room telling me to get out and leave you alone.  And instead of rebuking that demon I stood there with tears in my eyes trying to reason with the unreasonable!    I have to deal with the fact that you work with and see that girl everyday and tomorrow you’re going on a business trip that includes her and on top of that you’re going to tell me that you feel bad about making love to and sleeping with me!!  I’m your wife and you feel bad about us but when you were heading into an affair with her and planning to if not actually having sex with her you didn’t feel bad about it!!!  You feel bad about us and I’m not supposed to feel bad about that!!   We are married to each other and have been making love to each other for 27 yrs and in the positions we used Tuesday night many times and you feel bad about it because you decided in May last year that you wanted to end our relationship and you’re not prepared to change your mind.  As I asked why would you feel bad, if you weren’t thinking of anyone else when you penetrated me, if you are not planning to or have been doing the same to anyone else, what have you got to feel bad about and if there’s something then explain it nuh??   I asked you three things before continuing Tuesday night and you couldn’t even last the night much more a day with the regret part.  Why should you regret making love to your wife?!!!

I forgot that this was a spiritual battle and went out from under God’s covering and everything that I’m learning by reading the material that I’m reading!!  Oh Lord I’m tired, tired of hurting but even more tired of failing, of doing and saying the wrong things and of wrong timing.  Tired of not checking with you first and letting you lead, tired of messing things up every time they’re looking promising.  Help me Lord, only you can take the wrong things and make them right.  Help me to be still, Help me Adonai.