Feeling Sad

I’m just feeling really sad now…  The closer I get to departure date, to actually coming back to face you and face this horrible situation, the worse I’m feeling.  I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this.  How I’m going to live with you for two months with you feeling the way you do and knowing everything I know.  It’s not just that you’ve decided you no longer want to be with me and this isn’t working, but it’s as if you’ve decided that I’m your enemy.    The sight and sound of me are enough to fill you with anger and everything about me annoys you.  I can’t understand why my expressions of care, my wanting to know what’s going on with you, how you’re feeling about work and all the impending changes causes you such exasperation and even anger.  If I express my hurt, disappointment, distress, ask for an explanation for what you’re doing to us, it sends you right off!.   But then maybe I shouldn’t wonder, it’s probably the natural reaction of someone who’s guilty of committing a crime against someone, a reaction to knowing deep down that you’re being unfair to me and so when I’m reasonable or trying to talk to you normally, it makes you feel worse.  And you haven’t said you’re sorry and you aren’t even acknowledging my feelings even as you keep saying I’m ignoring yours.

So then how am I going to operate when I get there?  From that first meeting at the airport it’s going to start; no kiss, no hug, no welcome home, no conversation.  If ever there was a time I needed to learn what to say, what not to say and when to say and when not to say, it is certainly now.   What am I going to do so that things seem normal to my father and our son yet don’t create a situation where you are uncomfortable to the point of anger.  How am I going to sit across from you at the dinner table and ignore the disinterest in your eyes, the tension in your voice, the detachment from us all.  How am I supposed to interact with you in a normal way when the slightest thing I say causes you offence.   How am I going to manage, sharing a bathroom and a bedroom with you no longer my husband in spirit and truth but still so by appearances.   How am I supposed to cope lying on the bed that we’ve been so often entwined in, bathing in the bath that we’ve lain in together surrounded by hot, sudsy water, no hotter than the heat emanating from us.  I can no longer be naked before you…

“Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.” Ps. 17:5-6

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About ibgg

At the moment, I'm a bundle of pain struggling to overcome the deep wounds inflicted by my husband of 24yrs who's decided to call it quits but by the grace of God I know I will be healed and I will survive. Hallelujah!
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